How do we as parents support our children during their adoloscence?

The following incident that I am going to narrate is something many of us would have faced while dealing with adolescent children. I am sure all of us could have tried our best to handle the situation. The narration below will help us get a glimpse of how I handled it.

The incident goes on like this. I was handling class X chemistry then. I was quite popular among my students at that time and had established a good rapport with them. Students were very comfortable with me and came to me whenever they had some problems or when they felt that they need to share something with me. I had allotted a special time for such things and I would address such things during the hours I had allotted.

I made the entire thing as a routine and found a way to help my students to approach me. A few students would come quite often not with any major things, but just to talk with me. I used to subtly tell them about the need to address to others’ issues as well and help them understand. I believe that when the rationale is clearly explained I think every child /student will understand things better. The timing was usually in afternoons or after school hours.

One day after the school hour a boy (Vijay was his name) of class X came to me and said, “Ma’am I want to talk with you. Can I?” I immediately agreed as he was someone who does not open up quickly and demonstrated hesitance to talk any teacher. I said, “Why not? Right away...” He replied, “No ma’am. I need time to muster the courage to open up. I will meet you tomorrow and talk to you about this”. I agreed and we left for the day.

Next day things went normally during class hours. I went to his class and behaved casually. I continued my chemistry class. It was evening and Vijay came to my room. He walked slowly with hesitance in his eyes. I felt that and hence invited him with a warm smile and said, ‘Come in Vijay. I am waiting for you”. He walked in and I asked him to be seated. He did so and I found that he was seated along the front edge of the chair demonstrating his anxiety. I purposefully asked him a few questions like how the day went on, how far was his house from the school etc., and made an attempt to make him feel comfortable. I thought that I succeeded in my attempt as his body language and voice demonstrated relaxed tone.

Then I asked him, “Ok Vijay. You told that you wanted to share something with me. Go ahead. What is it?” He told the following with hesitance, “Ma’am. I am telling this to you because I feel that you could understand me better. I am unable to open this topic to my parents as well. I don’t want you to think that I am a bad guy after I complete telling you the details. I am experiencing a strange difficulty for the past few months. I am unable to control it even if i try my best”. I said, “What is it? Tell me. Let’s discuss about it”. He said, “I am getting attracted towards girls now-a-days. I am trying level best to stop it. I feel like talking to them. I want to be in their presence. I keep looking at my classmates during class hours and when they look at me I try to pretend as though I am not looking at them. I find it very embarrassing when my friends find this out. I knew that I am doing a wrong thing. But I don’t know what to do and how to overcome this. As a result I am frustrated and show that frustration on others at home. My parents get angry when I show that frustration on them and as a result it becomes like a blame game and I have lost peace at home as well. What should I do?”

I sat there listening to him. I realized that it was a very normal phenomenon that every adolescent had to face. I saw a sense of guilt on his face and understood that my role was to remove the guilt and not to add fuel to his feelings. I said, “Great Vijay that you had opened up. Thanks for the confidence you have on me. I have to tell you something. This is just a part of adolescence. You are now experiencing it. That’s it. Almost every normal adolescent experiences this. Not many are an exception. So there is nothing to worry about this. I have heard people saying that they manage such kind of feelings by accepting that it is a normal thing and divert oneself into activities like games, volunteering for an event, group studies, spending good time with family and with extended family members. That could be a good idea. At the same time, it is important to be aware that there is nothing to feel guilty about as this is a normal feeling. I suggest you just remind yourself about the need to be logical while your emotions attempt to take over. I am sure it’s not as easy as I explain, but it’s not impossible as well”.

He became quite casual and appeared relaxed. That gave me happiness and confidence. He left my cabin thanking me for the time while I reciprocated the same for his belief in me. Years passed and he came back to me and said, “What you said on that day, worked on me very well. If only parents could be open to our feelings we could share it with them. I wonder as to how many friends of mine would have experienced such stress, but no one to share with. Thank you, ma’am” I was glad.

At the same time I mulled over what he said. Yes, parents could really a good role in this respect. Once they start accepting the reality, I think children would feel more comfortable and share their feelings with their parents without fear. This could help them overcome the stress they experience in their adolescence.

Are we going to be someone who help our children overcome their stress or someone who blindly believe and assume that our children are superior and are well above reality?

Do we as parents need to help children live happily or just get degrees and certificates in leading institution?

Class 2 student getting prepared on a daily basis for her next day school – This is not a headline in a newspaper, but a daily routine of a girl who studies at an international school. A child named Anisha of class 2 was the one who experienced such kind of stress.

A flash back of what had happened a few months before during my visit to the School as a consultant. A plumpy beautiful child with a pony attracted everyone with her charming smile. A very brilliant student! Every time I entered her class for class participation I used to find that she answered every question of her teacher. When a teacher was about to start a topic with some introductory activity she would gauge the learning for the day and say, ‘Miss I know this. This is…." and continue giving the entire essence of the topic. The other students were wonderstruck. The teachers were not an exception.

Sometimes I had seen her correcting her teachers’ pronunciations and spelling errors. Some teachers used to have a frown on their faces; some teachers found it embarrassing while a few others answered, “Oh thanks! Thank you for correcting me”. But the teachers found it difficult to proceed their class as Anisha continued talking about the entire topic. Some teachers attempted to handle her by telling, “Good that you know many things about this topic. But all others also need to know about this. So please wait”. Sometimes she would not listen and sometimes she would. While she accepted the teacher’s words she would start disturbing the others in the class by pulling their pens, pencils etc.,

On the whole the teachers had a tough time in the class handling the situation. One evening I was on the corridor to observe students’ faces while they leave home for the day. When I was there I happened to watch this scene. Anisha was waiting in the lounge for her parents. In the meantime a classmate of her approached her with a smiling face and said, “Hey, your parents are coming. Get ready”. Anisha immediately jumped out from the chair on the lounge with her pony jumping with her. Her twinkling eyes became little sad. She said, “Oh! My mom and dad are coming? I want to be here in the school itself. I don’t want to go home. As soon as I go home my mom will start teaching tomorrow’s portion for me and make me recite everything. It’s so boring. I want to play and be happy here at school”. I was shocked to hear this.

I discussed with the School principal about this issue and asked her to arrange for a meeting with Anisha’s parents. We had an informal chat with their parents and tried to find out the reason for Anisha’s behavior. We spoke to her mom and dad about this. The mom said, “I want my child to be in one of the leading institutions in future. I want her to be always number 1. The schools nearby are making child read more and give lots of homework. But your school does not do all those things. They go very slowly and ensure that children are happy. That’s it. But when will they become compete? So I get notebooks from the students of nearby school and teach my daughter everything in advance. I want my child to know everything in advance before she comes to school. Other schools teach division in class 2 itself. But your school teaches division only in class 3. So I taught her those things now itself. That’s it".

I continued when my turn to talk came up. I said, “Schools today are just piling up syllabus to convey to the parents that they teach more. But what teach needs to match with the chronological age of the child. The board has lots of experts from the field of education and child psychology. They use their minds collectively discuss, debate and arrive at a clearly tabulated syllabus that is age appropriate and that would cater to the needs of the child at that age level. We cater to the standards set by the board and ensure that the child is given enough time to observe, explore, experiment and evolve using her sensory organs in the early childhood. This will slowly help the child to be a self- learner”. The child’s mom asked, “But how do we believe that the method you are adopting will be good for the child?” We all go to the doctor when the child is ill. The doctor examines the child and prescribes lots of medicines. The doctor gives some injections as well. What do you ask to such doctors? You believe that those doctors will help your child come out of the sickness. Is that correct?” The mom nodded in acknowledgement.

I continued, “So why is it that you always doubt the approaches taken by schools? Please start believing schools and their heads. It is not that you need to be blindly in trust with them. But ask for clarifications and understand what they are up to and not take steps as parents like. This is the future of children. Be little patient. Schooling is like dealing with human minds. It will take time to see results. So please wait and co-operate with the school philosophy to achieve long –term results”.

The mother nodded her head and it appeared to me as though she was able to make some logic out of what I said. I am not sure as to how much it was helpful to those parents and to the little child Anisha.

But I came out of the room with a question in mind as to “Do we as parents need to help children live happily or just get degrees and certificates from leading institutions?”

Is it not better to keep a check of our emotions and look at the long term impact of them in our child’s life?

This is a very short anecdote that had happened recently. This is about a 10 months old kid living in a nearby apartment of mine at New Jersey. The kid name is Asha. Very beautiful and innocent face of hers always had attracted me towards her. Initially when I came to NJ, she did not feel comfortable with me. She would smile at me and see me, but will not come closer.

As days passed on she became very close and she started playing with me. In the meantime the family became close to mine and we became good family friends. Slowly the kid started coming home and played with me. Once both the family happened to go out together to Wal-Mart. I was seated in the back seat with her and her mom. The kid was seated in the baby-seater and was playing with me. Quite often she stared at me. I observed this. Days went on and she was doing this quite often. In fact I was realising that she was developing staring as a mannerism of hers. I noticed this and said, “Oh! You have started staring at me. Why do you do that?” Her mom was hearing this and she told me, “Do you know? Now-a-days she has started identifying my actions and she is trying to imitate them. A few days back I stared at her a couple of times and she imitated me. I was very happy to see that”.

I am not sure as to how many parents are happy about these things. Not sure if this is something that we need to be happy about. If the child has developed the ability to imitate us, then it is an alarm signal for us. We need to be more careful about our actions because the child would follow them. Will the mom continue to be happy if the child does it with people who ever come to their house and with all people around?

Is it not necessary to keep a check of our emotions and look at the long term impact of them in our child’s life?

Is it not important to convey our thoughts to our children in a way the child could understand?

Now it is about an incident that had happened in another relative’s family of mine who lives in a hill station. We loved being there due to the following three reasons viz., good weather, warm gestures by the family members, good food prepared by my aunt. We enjoy all the three and prefer staying at their place during vacation time.

Likewise came my class XI vacation time. All of us were busy deciding our favourite places and unanimously we choose to visit our relative’s place in the hill station. We were busy purchasing gifts for them and mom was busy preparing some delicious dishes for them. Of course, my dad helped my mom in her kitchen work and I admire my dad for that. The day of our departure to the hill station came and we boarded the train not just with those items, but also with loads and loads of happiness with an enthusiasm to enjoy to the maximum.

We reached there and our relatives were waiting there to pick us. The family that we had visited was a family of four members - the father of the family, who happened to be my paternal uncle, the mother and two siblings. My uncle was a very hardworking family oriented guy. He loved his family so much and very energetic round the clock with a smile always on his face even after hours of hard work. All others of the family were so good and nice to be with.

The uncle went out and came home with lots of vegetables and fruits that he had got from the farm market. My uncle knew that I love fruits so much. The uncle gave the bag to his daughter and left out to meet one of his friends. The uncle’s daughter ran to pick the fruits and immediately started eating them. That is when the aunt came and she yelled at the child using some ‘filthy language’. The girl replied back telling, “What did I do? I just had some fruits. Dad has got this for us to eat. So why not eat?” Saying this she threw the fruits that she had in her hands. Her mom said, “How many times have I told you? Why did you eat the fruits without washing?". Immediately she threw away the remaining fruits and scolded the girl for throwing the fruits.

The scene became worse. The daughter started crying. The mother was angry and went into the living room with furious face. The daughter cried and cried and the father came home. The daughter ran towards him and flung into his arms. She cried without telling anything. The father hugged her and asked her the reason for her sorrow. The daughter narrated the incident and said, “I am very unhappy because mom used that particular ‘filthy language”. She said that particular word. She said, “I am not that. Mom is only that”. Hearing this the dad replied, “No, dear. Mom said this because she loves you so much and she wants you to eat washed vegetables so that you won’t fall sick. But I agree that the way she said this was wrong. Though her intention was very good, she is wrong in using such kind of words. I will talk to her about this. But you need to understand that your mom thinks good for you and the way you behaved with your mom is not right. I think now you must ask sorry to your mom for your behavior towards her. Will you my dear?” Saying this he kissed the child on her forehead and the daughter was very happy and smiling. She went to her mom and said, “Sorry mom, I am wrong. I will not repeat it again. I will wash and then have fruits here onwards”. She hugged her and the mom returned her hug with love.

Saying this, the daughter went out to play. That is when the dad called his wife and told her, “See. Our child’s behavior depends on how we behave with her. See, you do not want her to use those kinds of words, but you use. You don’t want her to throw the vegetables, but you do throw. What are you trying to convey to her? Your intention was good. But you did not project it in an appropriate fashion to her. If you convey it with love and explain to her the consequences of an action she will definitely understand if not in one time, but with a couple of reminders. Patience and persistence in our approach is important when we handle our children. Hope you understand. Now it’s your turn to ask sorry to her for your behaviour”. The mother replied, “Oh, no! How could I do that to her? I am her mom. Will she not think that I too make mistakes?” The uncle asked, “So, what? The mom said, “She will no longer respect me”. “No dear, she will respect you more for your honesty. She will understand that committing errors could be common. But it is important to correct them and not repeat it again”. After a brief discussion the mom agreed and waited for the daughter’s arrival. She said sorry to her daughter and the daughter was happy and said, “Its ok mom. I knew you did it for my goodness”.

The atmosphere became friendly and very energetic as it was in the beginning. I was very happy seeing that scenario and wholeheartedly admired my uncle for his ability to handle things.

He was not highly educated. That is when I was reminded of a quote on education, “Education is a change that happens in a positive direction”. My uncle demonstrated it and I admired him for that.

Is it not important to convey our thoughts to our children in a way the child could understand?