Is your child really growing up?

An evening in my neighbor’s family. I and my husband met them after a long time. We had prepared some sweets as it was festival time. We took the sweets and went to their house. They received us well and expressed their happiness. We shared the sweets we took with us. Their child was also there playing in the living room. He was 1 year and six months then. The child was playing all round the house with his bike dashing the furniture in the house. The mom never paid attention to that. The dad was out for some grocery purchase.



The child’s name is Pranav. Pranav pulled the sweets kept over the table. All the sweets on the table fell down and the floor was quite dirty. So the sweets took a place in the dustbin. The mom was quiet and smiled at the baby and said, “This is what he does always. He throws everything down. He is grown up and shows anger as well”. Saying this she smiled. She also said, “He eats spicy things just like his dad. He does not eat fruits, salads. He always eats oily foods like his dad and he is really growing up”.


The child was playing with my husband. The mom offered some coffee for me. I drank it and was about to keep the cup on the tray. Pranav grabbed the cup from me and threw the left over coffee on my husband, smiled and left to pull the other things kept in the room. The mom again said, “See this is how he behaves”. She neither apologized nor did she ask her son to do so. She continued to hug the child and cajoled him. She said, “My child is growing”. The boy continued throwing things around the house.


Is this child really growing? What do we mean by growing? I am still puzzled to get an answer for this. Do we refer to the physical development as growth or is it beyond that? What does that ‘beyond’ mean? What are the signs of growing up?

How about accepting child's feeling?

Pot dinner! – We had a great time in one of our family friend’s house. Almost ten families met there during a pleasant evening time. It was during fall. We entered in and saw through the window. The leaves were on the ground in different colours. I felt as though they are decorating the mother earth with their flying colours. Literally the colours fly. Yes, the leaves in different colours fly reaching the ground from the tree.

Each one of us had prepared some kind of delicious dishes for the dinner. Families kept coming with the dish they had prepared. Out of them came a family of three- husband, wife and a girl child named Diya. The family greeted us and we reciprocated with a broad smile. In fact I was meeting Diya for the first time. Not just me. Many of us were meeting her for the first time. Diya was mingling with everyone very happily and did not have any kind of hesitation in talking with us and playing with us.

She ran and took a couple of items kept on display in the showcase. She was showing it to her dad and explained about it to him. She was trying to explore the items by turning it upside down, touching it, shaking it etc. She came running to her mom with a teddy bear and said, “Mom, see this. This is very beautiful. Touch this” Her mom smiled and told, “Ya, this is very beautiful. I am sure you like this. I knew that you want to explore this. But this is kept for display in their house. Please put this back.” The child said, “No mom. I want to play with this”. The mom replied, “Yes Diya, I understand your feeling. You want to play. But you could do that with the items kept for play and not with the ones for display. They have kept this on display to make their house beautiful. They will feel very bad if it gets spoilt during play. What do you say? You could play with the items that are kept for play. Is that fine?”

I am not sure if the child understood her mom’s view. But her behaviour proved that she had understood what her mom told. She nodded her head with a smile and kept the teddy bear back from the place where she picked it. The mom hugged her and appreciated her for her behaviour. In a few minutes thereon Divya continued playing with all of us and the balloons given to children.

I was witnessing how Diya’s mom accepted her child’s feeling and helped her to manage her feelings. I felt that her mom had handled the kid in a nice manner without hurting the kid's feelings, but still communicated what she wanted to in a way such that the kid could understand.

How beautiful it would be if all parents could make an attempt like Diya’s mom!

Models are everywhere - their influences are high

Parent meeting in a reputed school – I was invited there to conduct the meeting. The agenda was parent orientation and discussion on ‘Ways to handle children behaviour’. The meeting was scheduled to be around 10 am. The meeting was scheduled for an hour. It was a startup school and hence the parent strength expected was around 100 in number. The discussion hall was fully ready with chairs properly arranged in the shape of a semicircle, teachers in the reception with list of student names, colourful charts that carried words “We welcome u”, “We are proud to be a team that inspires children”, display of student works, flower decoration etc.,. On the whole the atmosphere was friendly and inviting.

I reached there around 9.15 am and had a short conversation with the school head. After that we moved around the school and then reached the discussion hall around 9.45 am. I prefer being on time from my childhood and hence was little earlier at the venue. This got imbibed because of my dad as he modeled this behaviour and insisted on the same. He used to tell us about the consequences of being late and its repercussions on other’s time.

I was on time and so were the school head and the teachers. Around 35 parents were present in the hall by around 10 am. We invited the parents and appreciated them for being on time. When it was around 10.05 ten more parents joined. We started the discussion and the discussion was on its full swing. Initially many parents hesitated to participate in the discussion, but as we proceeded and encouraged participation, many participated. By around 10.30 many parents came in and sat in the last rows. There were many seats available in the front rows. Only a few of them sat in the front row.

During discussion many parents complained /expressed concern that their children hesitate to be seated in the first row. Many parents complained their children don’t get ready on time and hence they came late to school. I was actually looking at the irony happening there. I tried to lead the discussion towards reflection on one’s behaviour and a comparative analysis of their behaviour with their children. I motivated them to reflect on their behaviour on that particular day as well.

To my surprise and happiness, many parents came up with interesting responses like, “I never realized that I come late to meetings”, “I used to come late to meeting and justify my action connecting with the responsibilities I have. But now I realise that this is also an important responsibility”, “I knew that I am late, but I can’t help it” etc. That helped me to bank on their responses and I lead them to ponder on the influence of their behaviour on others. That boosted more responses and helped them realise that their behaviours play a major role in helping the child choose appropriate behaviours.

On the whole the discussion was fruitful and the entire school team including me was happy about it. I realized that when provided with opportunities and appropriate triggers parents are always willing to help their parents.

How do we as parents support our children during their adoloscence?

The following incident that I am going to narrate is something many of us would have faced while dealing with adolescent children. I am sure all of us could have tried our best to handle the situation. The narration below will help us get a glimpse of how I handled it.

The incident goes on like this. I was handling class X chemistry then. I was quite popular among my students at that time and had established a good rapport with them. Students were very comfortable with me and came to me whenever they had some problems or when they felt that they need to share something with me. I had allotted a special time for such things and I would address such things during the hours I had allotted.

I made the entire thing as a routine and found a way to help my students to approach me. A few students would come quite often not with any major things, but just to talk with me. I used to subtly tell them about the need to address to others’ issues as well and help them understand. I believe that when the rationale is clearly explained I think every child /student will understand things better. The timing was usually in afternoons or after school hours.

One day after the school hour a boy (Vijay was his name) of class X came to me and said, “Ma’am I want to talk with you. Can I?” I immediately agreed as he was someone who does not open up quickly and demonstrated hesitance to talk any teacher. I said, “Why not? Right away...” He replied, “No ma’am. I need time to muster the courage to open up. I will meet you tomorrow and talk to you about this”. I agreed and we left for the day.

Next day things went normally during class hours. I went to his class and behaved casually. I continued my chemistry class. It was evening and Vijay came to my room. He walked slowly with hesitance in his eyes. I felt that and hence invited him with a warm smile and said, ‘Come in Vijay. I am waiting for you”. He walked in and I asked him to be seated. He did so and I found that he was seated along the front edge of the chair demonstrating his anxiety. I purposefully asked him a few questions like how the day went on, how far was his house from the school etc., and made an attempt to make him feel comfortable. I thought that I succeeded in my attempt as his body language and voice demonstrated relaxed tone.

Then I asked him, “Ok Vijay. You told that you wanted to share something with me. Go ahead. What is it?” He told the following with hesitance, “Ma’am. I am telling this to you because I feel that you could understand me better. I am unable to open this topic to my parents as well. I don’t want you to think that I am a bad guy after I complete telling you the details. I am experiencing a strange difficulty for the past few months. I am unable to control it even if i try my best”. I said, “What is it? Tell me. Let’s discuss about it”. He said, “I am getting attracted towards girls now-a-days. I am trying level best to stop it. I feel like talking to them. I want to be in their presence. I keep looking at my classmates during class hours and when they look at me I try to pretend as though I am not looking at them. I find it very embarrassing when my friends find this out. I knew that I am doing a wrong thing. But I don’t know what to do and how to overcome this. As a result I am frustrated and show that frustration on others at home. My parents get angry when I show that frustration on them and as a result it becomes like a blame game and I have lost peace at home as well. What should I do?”

I sat there listening to him. I realized that it was a very normal phenomenon that every adolescent had to face. I saw a sense of guilt on his face and understood that my role was to remove the guilt and not to add fuel to his feelings. I said, “Great Vijay that you had opened up. Thanks for the confidence you have on me. I have to tell you something. This is just a part of adolescence. You are now experiencing it. That’s it. Almost every normal adolescent experiences this. Not many are an exception. So there is nothing to worry about this. I have heard people saying that they manage such kind of feelings by accepting that it is a normal thing and divert oneself into activities like games, volunteering for an event, group studies, spending good time with family and with extended family members. That could be a good idea. At the same time, it is important to be aware that there is nothing to feel guilty about as this is a normal feeling. I suggest you just remind yourself about the need to be logical while your emotions attempt to take over. I am sure it’s not as easy as I explain, but it’s not impossible as well”.

He became quite casual and appeared relaxed. That gave me happiness and confidence. He left my cabin thanking me for the time while I reciprocated the same for his belief in me. Years passed and he came back to me and said, “What you said on that day, worked on me very well. If only parents could be open to our feelings we could share it with them. I wonder as to how many friends of mine would have experienced such stress, but no one to share with. Thank you, ma’am” I was glad.

At the same time I mulled over what he said. Yes, parents could really a good role in this respect. Once they start accepting the reality, I think children would feel more comfortable and share their feelings with their parents without fear. This could help them overcome the stress they experience in their adolescence.

Are we going to be someone who help our children overcome their stress or someone who blindly believe and assume that our children are superior and are well above reality?

Do we as parents need to help children live happily or just get degrees and certificates in leading institution?

Class 2 student getting prepared on a daily basis for her next day school – This is not a headline in a newspaper, but a daily routine of a girl who studies at an international school. A child named Anisha of class 2 was the one who experienced such kind of stress.

A flash back of what had happened a few months before during my visit to the School as a consultant. A plumpy beautiful child with a pony attracted everyone with her charming smile. A very brilliant student! Every time I entered her class for class participation I used to find that she answered every question of her teacher. When a teacher was about to start a topic with some introductory activity she would gauge the learning for the day and say, ‘Miss I know this. This is…." and continue giving the entire essence of the topic. The other students were wonderstruck. The teachers were not an exception.

Sometimes I had seen her correcting her teachers’ pronunciations and spelling errors. Some teachers used to have a frown on their faces; some teachers found it embarrassing while a few others answered, “Oh thanks! Thank you for correcting me”. But the teachers found it difficult to proceed their class as Anisha continued talking about the entire topic. Some teachers attempted to handle her by telling, “Good that you know many things about this topic. But all others also need to know about this. So please wait”. Sometimes she would not listen and sometimes she would. While she accepted the teacher’s words she would start disturbing the others in the class by pulling their pens, pencils etc.,

On the whole the teachers had a tough time in the class handling the situation. One evening I was on the corridor to observe students’ faces while they leave home for the day. When I was there I happened to watch this scene. Anisha was waiting in the lounge for her parents. In the meantime a classmate of her approached her with a smiling face and said, “Hey, your parents are coming. Get ready”. Anisha immediately jumped out from the chair on the lounge with her pony jumping with her. Her twinkling eyes became little sad. She said, “Oh! My mom and dad are coming? I want to be here in the school itself. I don’t want to go home. As soon as I go home my mom will start teaching tomorrow’s portion for me and make me recite everything. It’s so boring. I want to play and be happy here at school”. I was shocked to hear this.

I discussed with the School principal about this issue and asked her to arrange for a meeting with Anisha’s parents. We had an informal chat with their parents and tried to find out the reason for Anisha’s behavior. We spoke to her mom and dad about this. The mom said, “I want my child to be in one of the leading institutions in future. I want her to be always number 1. The schools nearby are making child read more and give lots of homework. But your school does not do all those things. They go very slowly and ensure that children are happy. That’s it. But when will they become compete? So I get notebooks from the students of nearby school and teach my daughter everything in advance. I want my child to know everything in advance before she comes to school. Other schools teach division in class 2 itself. But your school teaches division only in class 3. So I taught her those things now itself. That’s it".

I continued when my turn to talk came up. I said, “Schools today are just piling up syllabus to convey to the parents that they teach more. But what teach needs to match with the chronological age of the child. The board has lots of experts from the field of education and child psychology. They use their minds collectively discuss, debate and arrive at a clearly tabulated syllabus that is age appropriate and that would cater to the needs of the child at that age level. We cater to the standards set by the board and ensure that the child is given enough time to observe, explore, experiment and evolve using her sensory organs in the early childhood. This will slowly help the child to be a self- learner”. The child’s mom asked, “But how do we believe that the method you are adopting will be good for the child?” We all go to the doctor when the child is ill. The doctor examines the child and prescribes lots of medicines. The doctor gives some injections as well. What do you ask to such doctors? You believe that those doctors will help your child come out of the sickness. Is that correct?” The mom nodded in acknowledgement.

I continued, “So why is it that you always doubt the approaches taken by schools? Please start believing schools and their heads. It is not that you need to be blindly in trust with them. But ask for clarifications and understand what they are up to and not take steps as parents like. This is the future of children. Be little patient. Schooling is like dealing with human minds. It will take time to see results. So please wait and co-operate with the school philosophy to achieve long –term results”.

The mother nodded her head and it appeared to me as though she was able to make some logic out of what I said. I am not sure as to how much it was helpful to those parents and to the little child Anisha.

But I came out of the room with a question in mind as to “Do we as parents need to help children live happily or just get degrees and certificates from leading institutions?”

Is it not better to keep a check of our emotions and look at the long term impact of them in our child’s life?

This is a very short anecdote that had happened recently. This is about a 10 months old kid living in a nearby apartment of mine at New Jersey. The kid name is Asha. Very beautiful and innocent face of hers always had attracted me towards her. Initially when I came to NJ, she did not feel comfortable with me. She would smile at me and see me, but will not come closer.

As days passed on she became very close and she started playing with me. In the meantime the family became close to mine and we became good family friends. Slowly the kid started coming home and played with me. Once both the family happened to go out together to Wal-Mart. I was seated in the back seat with her and her mom. The kid was seated in the baby-seater and was playing with me. Quite often she stared at me. I observed this. Days went on and she was doing this quite often. In fact I was realising that she was developing staring as a mannerism of hers. I noticed this and said, “Oh! You have started staring at me. Why do you do that?” Her mom was hearing this and she told me, “Do you know? Now-a-days she has started identifying my actions and she is trying to imitate them. A few days back I stared at her a couple of times and she imitated me. I was very happy to see that”.

I am not sure as to how many parents are happy about these things. Not sure if this is something that we need to be happy about. If the child has developed the ability to imitate us, then it is an alarm signal for us. We need to be more careful about our actions because the child would follow them. Will the mom continue to be happy if the child does it with people who ever come to their house and with all people around?

Is it not necessary to keep a check of our emotions and look at the long term impact of them in our child’s life?

Is it not important to convey our thoughts to our children in a way the child could understand?

Now it is about an incident that had happened in another relative’s family of mine who lives in a hill station. We loved being there due to the following three reasons viz., good weather, warm gestures by the family members, good food prepared by my aunt. We enjoy all the three and prefer staying at their place during vacation time.

Likewise came my class XI vacation time. All of us were busy deciding our favourite places and unanimously we choose to visit our relative’s place in the hill station. We were busy purchasing gifts for them and mom was busy preparing some delicious dishes for them. Of course, my dad helped my mom in her kitchen work and I admire my dad for that. The day of our departure to the hill station came and we boarded the train not just with those items, but also with loads and loads of happiness with an enthusiasm to enjoy to the maximum.

We reached there and our relatives were waiting there to pick us. The family that we had visited was a family of four members - the father of the family, who happened to be my paternal uncle, the mother and two siblings. My uncle was a very hardworking family oriented guy. He loved his family so much and very energetic round the clock with a smile always on his face even after hours of hard work. All others of the family were so good and nice to be with.

The uncle went out and came home with lots of vegetables and fruits that he had got from the farm market. My uncle knew that I love fruits so much. The uncle gave the bag to his daughter and left out to meet one of his friends. The uncle’s daughter ran to pick the fruits and immediately started eating them. That is when the aunt came and she yelled at the child using some ‘filthy language’. The girl replied back telling, “What did I do? I just had some fruits. Dad has got this for us to eat. So why not eat?” Saying this she threw the fruits that she had in her hands. Her mom said, “How many times have I told you? Why did you eat the fruits without washing?". Immediately she threw away the remaining fruits and scolded the girl for throwing the fruits.

The scene became worse. The daughter started crying. The mother was angry and went into the living room with furious face. The daughter cried and cried and the father came home. The daughter ran towards him and flung into his arms. She cried without telling anything. The father hugged her and asked her the reason for her sorrow. The daughter narrated the incident and said, “I am very unhappy because mom used that particular ‘filthy language”. She said that particular word. She said, “I am not that. Mom is only that”. Hearing this the dad replied, “No, dear. Mom said this because she loves you so much and she wants you to eat washed vegetables so that you won’t fall sick. But I agree that the way she said this was wrong. Though her intention was very good, she is wrong in using such kind of words. I will talk to her about this. But you need to understand that your mom thinks good for you and the way you behaved with your mom is not right. I think now you must ask sorry to your mom for your behavior towards her. Will you my dear?” Saying this he kissed the child on her forehead and the daughter was very happy and smiling. She went to her mom and said, “Sorry mom, I am wrong. I will not repeat it again. I will wash and then have fruits here onwards”. She hugged her and the mom returned her hug with love.

Saying this, the daughter went out to play. That is when the dad called his wife and told her, “See. Our child’s behavior depends on how we behave with her. See, you do not want her to use those kinds of words, but you use. You don’t want her to throw the vegetables, but you do throw. What are you trying to convey to her? Your intention was good. But you did not project it in an appropriate fashion to her. If you convey it with love and explain to her the consequences of an action she will definitely understand if not in one time, but with a couple of reminders. Patience and persistence in our approach is important when we handle our children. Hope you understand. Now it’s your turn to ask sorry to her for your behaviour”. The mother replied, “Oh, no! How could I do that to her? I am her mom. Will she not think that I too make mistakes?” The uncle asked, “So, what? The mom said, “She will no longer respect me”. “No dear, she will respect you more for your honesty. She will understand that committing errors could be common. But it is important to correct them and not repeat it again”. After a brief discussion the mom agreed and waited for the daughter’s arrival. She said sorry to her daughter and the daughter was happy and said, “Its ok mom. I knew you did it for my goodness”.

The atmosphere became friendly and very energetic as it was in the beginning. I was very happy seeing that scenario and wholeheartedly admired my uncle for his ability to handle things.

He was not highly educated. That is when I was reminded of a quote on education, “Education is a change that happens in a positive direction”. My uncle demonstrated it and I admired him for that.

Is it not important to convey our thoughts to our children in a way the child could understand?

How conscious are we with our words when we speak?

A day that gave me a great learning - both as a teacher and as a human. The school in which I taught was a co-education school. I was asked to handle class X D, a particular section. This was supposed to be a topper class, students who scored above 80% in their annual exams of class IX. Whether there should be a topper class classification or not is a separate thing that needs in depth analysis followed by informed decision.

I went inside the class that was allotted for me and found that the students were quite good in their ability to understand concepts. A couple of them were highly logical and raised lots of questions with an intention to understand better, a few of them were trying to be very smart and raised questions that tested my subject knowledge than an intention to learn, a few of them remained silent though they had questions, a couple of them felt uncomfortable among the group that is considered above average. On the whole it was challenging for me and I loved it that way.

Amongst the group of students was a girl named Preethi who was little fat. Preethi used to be very silent, but spoke only with a few of her classmates. She never used to ask questions. She never used to volunteer to answer the questions put forth in the class unless she is pointed out. Days passed on and I observed her behaviours constantly. Something was not ok with her. This was something that I actually felt about her. I slowly started appreciating her for her works. She never seemed to accept that appreciation full heartedly.

In the mean time I became one of the most admired teachers of the class and many students approached me for various things both academic and counseling. Amongst the students who approached me was Rita, one of Preethi’s friends. I discussed with Rita about the issues she had and then I spoke to her about Preethi. I had a chat with her in a casual way, but tried to collect some information about Preethi. That is when I came to know that Preethi was branded fat, soft spoken by nature and a person who tried to shy away from her friends especially the boys of her class. I understood a couple of things about Preethi from Rita and also from other students as well.

Days went on and slowly I was able to gauge a picture about Preethi’s feelings and the reasons for her behaviours. One day in the class I cracked a joke and all my students laughed enjoying the joke. This girl continued to laugh even after the laughter of the class came to a stand. But she was laughing with her mouth closed by her right hand. She realized that all her friends stopped laughing and tried to control her laughter.

That evening she and her friends met me in the chemistry lab to get their doubts clarified. I purposefully cracked a joke and waited for her to laugh. She and her friends laughed. I told, “Preethi, I really admire the way you laugh. You have got a cute smile and it brightens up your face”. Saying this I asked her friend’s approval and they did so. This brought brightness in her face and she seemed to be very happy from heart. I was happy too. I realized that she had an inclination for arts and crafts and encouraged her join a competition when it was announced. She said that she had not participated in any such competition till then and refused at first. But When I said, “Then let this be the first time. Why not you give a try? I wish you participate and enjoy your work. This is my wish. Will you do it?” She agreed with little hesitance. She did participate and bagged third place. She came running to me and said, “I got this because of you” for which I replied, “You deserve and hence you got it”. She was very happy. This was the real beginning and she became close to me slowly. She started approaching me and became more active in my class. She started asking doubts, answering my questions and became an active participant.

One evening after our evening classes, she happened to come with me in the same bus that boarded to reach home. We sat next to each other and I asked, “How are you feeling in chemistry classes? Do you think it is reaching you? How do your friends feel chemistry?” She gave her answers in detail and was talking all the way. I interrupted in the middle and said, “I am able to see a big difference in you. You are talking with me more now unlike in the beginning. I like this”. Preethi became suddenly silent for a moment and said, “Ma’am, everyone including my teachers used to call me fatty and I used to feel very shy in front of my classmates. I cursed myself for this. I used to shy away from gaining attention. Now I realize that I too possess lots of good things like beautiful smile, art work and the ability to express clearly in front of my peers. I am confident now. Now I am very happy and realize that I am no lesser or greater than my peers”. I was very happy and felt as though I had an energy drink. I was witnessing the tremendous change in her due to the confidence that she had gained. Five years passed by then now and even now she rings me and says quite often, “Ma’am, I love you” with her sweet voice which makes feel honoured. I think this is the greatest reward a teacher could get on her journey with her students.

I understood and learnt that “how branding children could influence one's self-esteem?” I am somehow not ok with the word high self- esteem for this appears to me as though this would lead to over confidence. On the other hand I would like to stand for Healthy self-esteem in our children. Physical appearance is something that could change if we work towards it or might not as well. But let us not allow the physical appearance to hinder the potential for our children in the name of branding.

I am still questioning, "How conscious are we with our words when we speak?"

Do we realize the power of our words as a parent?

Yet another day in the train – I rushed up to station and got the train that goes to my work place. I got seated and was breathing heavily as I had rushed up then. Near me, I saw a small little girl neatly groomed in her uniform. I believe she was traveling to her school. She might be around ten years old. She was traveling with her mom. She was telling her mom some interesting stories and talking to her sweetly. Every now and then her mom was telling her, “Don’t keep laughing. Behave well”. I was wondering as to what her mom meant by behaving well. To me the kid appeared to be very sweet and enjoying her childhood as any child would love to. She asked for a chocolate and her mom gave her one. She ate the chocolate and took the chocolate wrapper in her hand. Her mom said, “Throw that down. Why are you having it in your hand?” The child replied, “Mom, my teacher has told us that we should throw waste papers only in the dustbins and not anywhere else”. I was very happy that some teacher had really instilled the spirit of cleanliness in this child. But I never knew this happiness would be short-lived. Immediately I was taken aback her mom’s words, “You don’t have sense or your teacher does. How long could we hold this wrapper? Don’t irritate me”. Saying this she pulled the wrapper from the child’s hand and threw it inside the train. I was so shocked seeing this. The child kept telling, “No, we should not do this. My teacher has told that it is not good to pollute the environment and it is harmful for everyone”. But her words faded away amidst the shouting of her mom and the chuk- chuk sound by the train. It was not just the voice of the child that got faded away, it was also the lifetime value the child had acquired from the words of her teacher.

I was wondering if only the mom could have used her influence for goodness how great the child would grow. But do we realize our power as a parent or do we exercise our power to show superiority over the little ones? Is this just yet another way to say that I know better than you to our children?

Do we realize the power of our words as a parent?

Is too much pampering or showing anger a solution for child’s undesirable behaviours?

It was a weekend. I wanted a break from daily routine. I went to my cousin’s house. My cousin’s only daughter was around 3yrs old then. Her name is Ana. Ana is very naughty and hyper. Very loving as well. She loves people and enjoys their presence. My cousin’s wife is highly interpersonal and hence lots of neighbors keep visiting her. So came a next house neighbor with her kid. The neighbor’s kid was 1 yr 3 months then and her name is Mai. Ana immediately took her playthings inside and kept it in another room. She welcomed Mai with a smile and played with her. She took a beautiful toy that I had gifted her and showed it to the neighbor’s kid. She said, “See, My aunt got this yesterday. See how beautiful this is”. Mai came near her to pick the toy and Ana refused to give it to her. My cousin’s wife came in and picked Mai, hugged her and kissed her. Seeing this Ana pulled Mai from the other kid. Mai moved away and in the meantime Mai’s mom was about to leave with her kid. Ana said, “Aunty, you go home. Let Mai be here. I want to play with her”. That is when my cousin’s wife replied to her daughter, “Ana, why do you want to play with Mai now? Why should she be here? You are not willing to share your toys with her. If you want her to play with you, you should also share your toys. Then only you could have her with you. You like her right?” Ana nodded her head in response. My cousin’s wife continued, “If so, sharing is also one way of showing your love. If you want every one to love you and hug you, you need to show the same to others as well. You want Mai’s mom to love you. Right? Accept the same when your mother does it with her”.

Ana was quiet for sometime and then said, “Ok mom. I will do that”. Saying this she took her toys and ran behind Ana to give it to her. I witnessed this scene and was happy about the way the mom handled the kid.

Sometimes it is good to share the reality of life with kids so that they know what they know how to treat others. I am not sure if this is the right way to handle kids to make them understand a few things, but this could be one!

The secret ingredient that could make life different

15th August 2010- Indian Independence day celebrations at New York. I went to watch the Independence Day parade at NY and enjoyed watching it. I felt very happy to be a part of the event that celebrated the spirit of India. I felt tired in the evening due to long hours of walking. I came to the New York Port Authority Bus terminal. I bought my tickets from the counter and inquired the gate number from which I had to board the bus back to New Jersey. The guy there told me that the counter number is 405. I went upstairs and waited for the bus in queue. The bus came and the all passengers ahead of me got into the bus. When my turn came, the driver told me, “Hey you have boarded the wrong bus. This bus does not go to New Jersey, Parsippany. Get down.” I had to get down with severe leg pain and tiredness. There was a person (some authority in the bus terminal) guiding the passengers to board the bus. He was around 65 years old, very energetic with a smile moving around helping the passengers around. I went to him and explained my situation. He told me that the bus I was supposed to board had left by then. He said that the gate is not 405, but 404.

He felt sorry for me and told me “I am here and helping the passengers to board the right bus. I kept asking everyone. I somehow missed asking you. Your bus will come after an hour. So please wait till then. I am sorry for you. You look tired. You could sit on one of these chairs and rest. I will inform you when your bus comes”. He said this with a smiling face but in a concerned tone. I sat there on one of the chairs and kept watching this guy. He was very active, kept moving around and helping passengers to board the right bus, all with a bright smile. A couple of passengers seemed to be little doubtful about his directions and his response to those people was, “Trust me. This is the bus you have to board” all with a smile, and not with frowns on his face. He continued doing his work without expecting any kind of appreciation from others. He voluntarily went about asking people about the bus they need to board and continued doing it with youthful enthusiasm.

The bus that I had to board arrived at the gate and he informed me about the arrival of the bus. Not just that, he wished me a good journey and ensured that I boarded the bus. He went towards the other side of the bus. I was waiting to say bye to him and to know his name. He never turned back; he went to the next gate helping passengers. He was demonstrating his passion without any expectations and recognition from others. The bus that I was inside departed from the gate, but my eyes were still looking for the old guy with respect and admiration.

Back home, I was sharing my salutations for that old guy with a wonderment of the difference one could make to his job if he/she is passionate about it. I salute that guy on this Independence day for the passion he demonstrated.

Do we as parents preach something and do something else?

Yet another Sunday and yet another thought provoking incident. There was a kid in my neighborhood. As far as I knew, the kid was a very lovable, always very naughty and demonstrated higher level of wonderment. That particular day, the kid’s grandma performed her usual morning prayers. After her prayer, she came towards the living room and found that a used dining plate was left without washing. She became angry and threw the plate shouting “Who kept this here? I don’t like this. I get angry when I see this. Can’t you wash this?” The child was observing this. It was noontime and all the family members were ready to have their lunch. The kid was also called to have lunch and there came the kid running. In the middle of the dining table, the kid saw a bowl of tomato soup. He picked it and said “Who kept this here? I don’t like this.” Saying this he threw the bowl with the soup and there came his mom running to hit him. His father and his mother hit him. He cried loudly and said, “Grandma didn’t like unwashed plate and so she threw it this morning. I don’t like tomato soup and hence I threw it”. I was observing the entire scene and this shook me. I was waiting to hear the response from his parents. To my surprise they said, “You stupid. Grandma is an elderly person. She could do that, but you shouldn’t it?” The kid continued crying and kept telling, “If grandma could do that, why not I?” for which he never got an answer. Everyone in the family left him crying thinking that the kid will calm down and come back after sometime.

The question by the kid was lingering in my ears. Yes, if his grandma could do that why not he? Do we as parents preach something and do something else?

Are the routines set in school serving the purpose behind it?

I was the class teacher of class IX then and was also handling classes VI, VII, VIII and X. The routine in the school was that all the students have to write two new words per day and need to submit their new word note before they enter the class every morning. Students who don’t do so will be sent to the principal’s office and punished. Every morning lots of students used to be a defaulter and stand in front of the Principal’s office.

I was sure that the intention behind such routine was very good and to help the students develop their vocabulary. But the process and the action taken did not achieve the goal behind such a routine. Children came in the morning and copied a set a words from their friends hurriedly with spelling errors and poor handwriting. A couple of children used to copy the words that they had written ten fifteen days back. So it was all done without any meaning and learning. It bothered me very much. A task is done, but without any kind of benefit to the one who does it nor for the one who checks if it is done except for the notebooks getting filled and the diary checker in the school reports, “80 % students submit their new word notebooks on time”. The management and the parents felt happy that their children do learn some new words daily. This made me uncomfortable. I spoke to a couple of my colleagues about this, but everyone said that they had tried convincing students about this, but no great impact.

I thought about this for a couple of days and started with one class first. I got a new word note for myself and wrote two new words and their meaning. After I completed my usual attendance check, I wrote the two new words on the blackboard and told my students, “These are two new words that I came across this morning while I read newspaper this morning. I did not know the meaning of the words. So I found the meaning from the dictionary. Today I am going to use these words while I converse in a suitable context. Would someone like to share the new words you had learnt today?” The whole class remained silent. I continued, “Everyone of you have submitted your new word notebook today, but none of you seem to remember”. Silence again. “Ok, tomorrow onwards let us all write the new words that we come across while we read textbooks, story books or some posters on the road and find their meaning. Let us all share our findings and learn together. How many of you are ready for that?” Every one except one student raised their hand in approval. That one student got up and said, “Ma’am, if I come across only one new word what do I do?” I said, “Valid. In that case write only one word. But let us all make a habit that we will read our storybook/ textbook/ something else for a minimum of 20 mins everyday”. The class agreed and we started it from the next day onwards.

We used to randomly choose students who will contribute for the ‘word pool’ and those students had to share their learning with the context. All of us learnt a total of ten words per day. We did this and our ‘word pool’ became stronger and stronger day by day. We had instances where students at time used to say that they did not come across any new word, but still we went ahead. Days went on and parents of my class came with interesting anecdotes explaining their child’s interest in learning new words and reading boards while they go on the road. They expressed their happiness about it. No longer I had my students who considered new word as a burden, but as a power to their ‘word pool’. We loved that activity and called it ‘word pool’ then onwards. Even now, after seven years I have my students of that class whom I meet in a market place and they talk about ‘word pool’.

Are we doing something to our kids that we don’t want others to do to us?

A sunny day and it was a Sunday. My nephew, 7 years old had come home to enjoy his holiday. He is very hyper, active and was playing around as usual. He was playing online games. There came his mother and told “Hey come here. I have asked you not to play online games for more than half an hour. Come”. My nephew did not respond and continued playing. His mom shouted, “I have told you to stop this. Come out”. Saying this she slapped the kid. The kid with tears and a loud cry came running out of the room. He sat near the staircase and kept crying. His mom went ahead with her domestic chores. There came the child’s uncle. He went near the child and the child was waiting to seek his love. He hugged him and said, “See. Mom bet me” and cried loudly. The uncle with all his good intentions said, “See. You should not cry. Mom is always right. Come on. Wipe your tears and smile. Smile, I say”. Telling this he wiped the tears of the child and asked him to smile for which the kid responded with great difficulty. The uncle moved away with the satisfaction that he had attended to the kid’s call.


I was watching all this. I was puzzled again with the question, “Are we catering to the child’s needs?” or “Are we at least aware of what the child needs?”



I was just wondering what if the same thing happens to us, when we are sad and someone walks to us, wipes our tears and asks us to smile without even acknowledging our emotions. How would we respond?


Are we doing something to our kids that we don’t want others to do to us?

Are we talking to our kids the way they want us to?

It was a rainy day and my cousin's kids (two in number)were playing some indoor games at my house. Me and my mom were sleeping in living room while the kids were playing in bedroom. I woke up suddenly and walked to the bedroom to see what those kids were up to? As soon as I opened the bedroom door, the first kid hid something behind her. I understood that she had applied lipstick to her lips. I just gave her a smile and said "Hey, you look different! what's special". The kid said "Nothing, I am the same" and appeared to be busy playing with the other. I asked her"Did you apply lipstick?" for which she said "No". I just came out of the room and continued with my work.

After sometime, when the kids came to the living room, I initiated a conversation and purposefully discussed about my childhood days. During  my conversation, I spoke about my childhood naughty behaviours and how I used to hide them from elders. I didn't know what stuck the kid. The kid said "I am sorry. I applied lipstick and tried to hide it only because you might scold me like my mom".

I was so surprised. The kid continued, "I want to explore a couple of things for myself and my parents don't allow. So I do them without their knowledge and lie to them if asked. I am sacred because they scold if I do something which they don't want me to do. I am bored of too many do's and don'ts told by my parents". 

This incident is something that parents need to ponder about. A few questions that might kindle our thoughts:

Are we aware that kids are not machines to be automated, but individuals who needs to learn with little guidance?

Do we get what we want by expressing our anger or by throwing tantruums on our kids?

Do we realise the energy that we waste on being aggressive with our kids is more than the positive approach that is needed to deal with kids?

Attendance register

One of the interesting learning that I had discovered over my 'n' number of years as a teacher and as a trainer is that everyone is capable of demonstrating goodness at some area and the scope to capture it is always inbuilt in us.

Here is an example that I was fortunate to experience:

Rizwan - A student of class VI then. He was always well-groomed and maintained his notebooks well. He scored very high in academics and was a good speaker too. I was the classteacher of his class. He used to be with me whenever he is free and ask questions in science. I noticed that he was a guy who took initiatives and was very enthusiastic. One day I was on my way to class with the attendance register in my hand. I marked the atendance, continued my class and came out as usual. He came behind me calling "Ma'am, I want to ask u something". I stopped with a smile and asked him to continue. He said,  "Ma'am, you are so good in many things and I admire you. But I find that the way you maintain the register needs more atention. You have not wrappped with a brown wrappper while we students are asked to do so". I was taken aback. His remarks made me think. I admired two things in him - the way he communicated to me, the gutts that he had to pin point my mistake.

The next day I went to the class with my attendance register wrapped neatly and shared this experience with all my students and thanked Rizwan for his approach.

This incident tickled the learning antennae in me and reinforced the need to model 'good' behaviours for our children to follow.

First month experience as a teacher

This is about my first time experience as a teacher in a reputed school. I graduated from Regional college of education, Mysore. Came out with a vision of becoming a 'great' teacher. Did not have clarity as to what I am aiming at, but was clear that my every step will be in the field of education.

First month in the School - I taught Class 3 and 4 science. Every evening I used to prepare meticulously for the next day lessons, reharse and reharse till I get a feeling that I got the hang of the content and methodology. I taught with full enthusiasm referring to lots of books and loved to be with my children

First mid-term exam results - The results of first mid-term exam came and there awaited a shock for me! Only four out of 35 children in my class had passed. All others had failed miserably with very less scores.

Meeting with School CEO - CEO called out for me and said "You seemed to do very well in demo, but the way your students have performed is disappointing". My reply was "let me take one more chance please" and my wish was granted with the condition of submitting my resignation in the event of my children losing again.

Meeting with my aunt (a 'good' teacher then) - Went straight to her with almost tears in my eyes not fearing the lose of job, but the inability to figure out what went wrong inspite of my genuine initiatives... She took my hands in hers and said "Did you teach the way your children could understand or teach the way that you thought to be good?"

Turning point - Learning moment! - I did not reply. Just came back home, but kept pondering over the question my aunt asked. Almost two days passed by then. I went back to my aunt and told her "I thought I did the best, but failed to think if that was best for my children as well". That is when my real teaching journey started. Every evening I thought as to how well a particular content could be taught in a fashion that my children could understand. Lots of ideas - stories, role plays, songs, dance, drawing etc., My class became very energetic and involved active role played by my children. Children were looking forward to my classes. They rushed to my office when they had a free period and invited me :)

In the next exams my children proved that they were capable of doing great when nurtured properly . 32 out of 35 passed with good scores.

This was the moment that made me feel that I need to teach in the way children want to learn than to choose the one that I prefer... A tough but lifetime learning :)

Learning walks

Learning walks -This is all about everything that happens in life. I strongly believe that 'learning' is inbuilt in every act of human behvaiour. So is this blog to me:) I realise that every mistake, success, action etc., in life leads to some kind of learning and hence named my blog as 'learningwalks'. In this blog I will be sharing and inviting views on learning that happens hand in hand with every walk of life. Welcome to my blog- 'learning walks'