How conscious are we with our words when we speak?

A day that gave me a great learning - both as a teacher and as a human. The school in which I taught was a co-education school. I was asked to handle class X D, a particular section. This was supposed to be a topper class, students who scored above 80% in their annual exams of class IX. Whether there should be a topper class classification or not is a separate thing that needs in depth analysis followed by informed decision.

I went inside the class that was allotted for me and found that the students were quite good in their ability to understand concepts. A couple of them were highly logical and raised lots of questions with an intention to understand better, a few of them were trying to be very smart and raised questions that tested my subject knowledge than an intention to learn, a few of them remained silent though they had questions, a couple of them felt uncomfortable among the group that is considered above average. On the whole it was challenging for me and I loved it that way.

Amongst the group of students was a girl named Preethi who was little fat. Preethi used to be very silent, but spoke only with a few of her classmates. She never used to ask questions. She never used to volunteer to answer the questions put forth in the class unless she is pointed out. Days passed on and I observed her behaviours constantly. Something was not ok with her. This was something that I actually felt about her. I slowly started appreciating her for her works. She never seemed to accept that appreciation full heartedly.

In the mean time I became one of the most admired teachers of the class and many students approached me for various things both academic and counseling. Amongst the students who approached me was Rita, one of Preethi’s friends. I discussed with Rita about the issues she had and then I spoke to her about Preethi. I had a chat with her in a casual way, but tried to collect some information about Preethi. That is when I came to know that Preethi was branded fat, soft spoken by nature and a person who tried to shy away from her friends especially the boys of her class. I understood a couple of things about Preethi from Rita and also from other students as well.

Days went on and slowly I was able to gauge a picture about Preethi’s feelings and the reasons for her behaviours. One day in the class I cracked a joke and all my students laughed enjoying the joke. This girl continued to laugh even after the laughter of the class came to a stand. But she was laughing with her mouth closed by her right hand. She realized that all her friends stopped laughing and tried to control her laughter.

That evening she and her friends met me in the chemistry lab to get their doubts clarified. I purposefully cracked a joke and waited for her to laugh. She and her friends laughed. I told, “Preethi, I really admire the way you laugh. You have got a cute smile and it brightens up your face”. Saying this I asked her friend’s approval and they did so. This brought brightness in her face and she seemed to be very happy from heart. I was happy too. I realized that she had an inclination for arts and crafts and encouraged her join a competition when it was announced. She said that she had not participated in any such competition till then and refused at first. But When I said, “Then let this be the first time. Why not you give a try? I wish you participate and enjoy your work. This is my wish. Will you do it?” She agreed with little hesitance. She did participate and bagged third place. She came running to me and said, “I got this because of you” for which I replied, “You deserve and hence you got it”. She was very happy. This was the real beginning and she became close to me slowly. She started approaching me and became more active in my class. She started asking doubts, answering my questions and became an active participant.

One evening after our evening classes, she happened to come with me in the same bus that boarded to reach home. We sat next to each other and I asked, “How are you feeling in chemistry classes? Do you think it is reaching you? How do your friends feel chemistry?” She gave her answers in detail and was talking all the way. I interrupted in the middle and said, “I am able to see a big difference in you. You are talking with me more now unlike in the beginning. I like this”. Preethi became suddenly silent for a moment and said, “Ma’am, everyone including my teachers used to call me fatty and I used to feel very shy in front of my classmates. I cursed myself for this. I used to shy away from gaining attention. Now I realize that I too possess lots of good things like beautiful smile, art work and the ability to express clearly in front of my peers. I am confident now. Now I am very happy and realize that I am no lesser or greater than my peers”. I was very happy and felt as though I had an energy drink. I was witnessing the tremendous change in her due to the confidence that she had gained. Five years passed by then now and even now she rings me and says quite often, “Ma’am, I love you” with her sweet voice which makes feel honoured. I think this is the greatest reward a teacher could get on her journey with her students.

I understood and learnt that “how branding children could influence one's self-esteem?” I am somehow not ok with the word high self- esteem for this appears to me as though this would lead to over confidence. On the other hand I would like to stand for Healthy self-esteem in our children. Physical appearance is something that could change if we work towards it or might not as well. But let us not allow the physical appearance to hinder the potential for our children in the name of branding.

I am still questioning, "How conscious are we with our words when we speak?"

Do we realize the power of our words as a parent?

Yet another day in the train – I rushed up to station and got the train that goes to my work place. I got seated and was breathing heavily as I had rushed up then. Near me, I saw a small little girl neatly groomed in her uniform. I believe she was traveling to her school. She might be around ten years old. She was traveling with her mom. She was telling her mom some interesting stories and talking to her sweetly. Every now and then her mom was telling her, “Don’t keep laughing. Behave well”. I was wondering as to what her mom meant by behaving well. To me the kid appeared to be very sweet and enjoying her childhood as any child would love to. She asked for a chocolate and her mom gave her one. She ate the chocolate and took the chocolate wrapper in her hand. Her mom said, “Throw that down. Why are you having it in your hand?” The child replied, “Mom, my teacher has told us that we should throw waste papers only in the dustbins and not anywhere else”. I was very happy that some teacher had really instilled the spirit of cleanliness in this child. But I never knew this happiness would be short-lived. Immediately I was taken aback her mom’s words, “You don’t have sense or your teacher does. How long could we hold this wrapper? Don’t irritate me”. Saying this she pulled the wrapper from the child’s hand and threw it inside the train. I was so shocked seeing this. The child kept telling, “No, we should not do this. My teacher has told that it is not good to pollute the environment and it is harmful for everyone”. But her words faded away amidst the shouting of her mom and the chuk- chuk sound by the train. It was not just the voice of the child that got faded away, it was also the lifetime value the child had acquired from the words of her teacher.

I was wondering if only the mom could have used her influence for goodness how great the child would grow. But do we realize our power as a parent or do we exercise our power to show superiority over the little ones? Is this just yet another way to say that I know better than you to our children?

Do we realize the power of our words as a parent?

Is too much pampering or showing anger a solution for child’s undesirable behaviours?

It was a weekend. I wanted a break from daily routine. I went to my cousin’s house. My cousin’s only daughter was around 3yrs old then. Her name is Ana. Ana is very naughty and hyper. Very loving as well. She loves people and enjoys their presence. My cousin’s wife is highly interpersonal and hence lots of neighbors keep visiting her. So came a next house neighbor with her kid. The neighbor’s kid was 1 yr 3 months then and her name is Mai. Ana immediately took her playthings inside and kept it in another room. She welcomed Mai with a smile and played with her. She took a beautiful toy that I had gifted her and showed it to the neighbor’s kid. She said, “See, My aunt got this yesterday. See how beautiful this is”. Mai came near her to pick the toy and Ana refused to give it to her. My cousin’s wife came in and picked Mai, hugged her and kissed her. Seeing this Ana pulled Mai from the other kid. Mai moved away and in the meantime Mai’s mom was about to leave with her kid. Ana said, “Aunty, you go home. Let Mai be here. I want to play with her”. That is when my cousin’s wife replied to her daughter, “Ana, why do you want to play with Mai now? Why should she be here? You are not willing to share your toys with her. If you want her to play with you, you should also share your toys. Then only you could have her with you. You like her right?” Ana nodded her head in response. My cousin’s wife continued, “If so, sharing is also one way of showing your love. If you want every one to love you and hug you, you need to show the same to others as well. You want Mai’s mom to love you. Right? Accept the same when your mother does it with her”.

Ana was quiet for sometime and then said, “Ok mom. I will do that”. Saying this she took her toys and ran behind Ana to give it to her. I witnessed this scene and was happy about the way the mom handled the kid.

Sometimes it is good to share the reality of life with kids so that they know what they know how to treat others. I am not sure if this is the right way to handle kids to make them understand a few things, but this could be one!

The secret ingredient that could make life different

15th August 2010- Indian Independence day celebrations at New York. I went to watch the Independence Day parade at NY and enjoyed watching it. I felt very happy to be a part of the event that celebrated the spirit of India. I felt tired in the evening due to long hours of walking. I came to the New York Port Authority Bus terminal. I bought my tickets from the counter and inquired the gate number from which I had to board the bus back to New Jersey. The guy there told me that the counter number is 405. I went upstairs and waited for the bus in queue. The bus came and the all passengers ahead of me got into the bus. When my turn came, the driver told me, “Hey you have boarded the wrong bus. This bus does not go to New Jersey, Parsippany. Get down.” I had to get down with severe leg pain and tiredness. There was a person (some authority in the bus terminal) guiding the passengers to board the bus. He was around 65 years old, very energetic with a smile moving around helping the passengers around. I went to him and explained my situation. He told me that the bus I was supposed to board had left by then. He said that the gate is not 405, but 404.

He felt sorry for me and told me “I am here and helping the passengers to board the right bus. I kept asking everyone. I somehow missed asking you. Your bus will come after an hour. So please wait till then. I am sorry for you. You look tired. You could sit on one of these chairs and rest. I will inform you when your bus comes”. He said this with a smiling face but in a concerned tone. I sat there on one of the chairs and kept watching this guy. He was very active, kept moving around and helping passengers to board the right bus, all with a bright smile. A couple of passengers seemed to be little doubtful about his directions and his response to those people was, “Trust me. This is the bus you have to board” all with a smile, and not with frowns on his face. He continued doing his work without expecting any kind of appreciation from others. He voluntarily went about asking people about the bus they need to board and continued doing it with youthful enthusiasm.

The bus that I had to board arrived at the gate and he informed me about the arrival of the bus. Not just that, he wished me a good journey and ensured that I boarded the bus. He went towards the other side of the bus. I was waiting to say bye to him and to know his name. He never turned back; he went to the next gate helping passengers. He was demonstrating his passion without any expectations and recognition from others. The bus that I was inside departed from the gate, but my eyes were still looking for the old guy with respect and admiration.

Back home, I was sharing my salutations for that old guy with a wonderment of the difference one could make to his job if he/she is passionate about it. I salute that guy on this Independence day for the passion he demonstrated.

Do we as parents preach something and do something else?

Yet another Sunday and yet another thought provoking incident. There was a kid in my neighborhood. As far as I knew, the kid was a very lovable, always very naughty and demonstrated higher level of wonderment. That particular day, the kid’s grandma performed her usual morning prayers. After her prayer, she came towards the living room and found that a used dining plate was left without washing. She became angry and threw the plate shouting “Who kept this here? I don’t like this. I get angry when I see this. Can’t you wash this?” The child was observing this. It was noontime and all the family members were ready to have their lunch. The kid was also called to have lunch and there came the kid running. In the middle of the dining table, the kid saw a bowl of tomato soup. He picked it and said “Who kept this here? I don’t like this.” Saying this he threw the bowl with the soup and there came his mom running to hit him. His father and his mother hit him. He cried loudly and said, “Grandma didn’t like unwashed plate and so she threw it this morning. I don’t like tomato soup and hence I threw it”. I was observing the entire scene and this shook me. I was waiting to hear the response from his parents. To my surprise they said, “You stupid. Grandma is an elderly person. She could do that, but you shouldn’t it?” The kid continued crying and kept telling, “If grandma could do that, why not I?” for which he never got an answer. Everyone in the family left him crying thinking that the kid will calm down and come back after sometime.

The question by the kid was lingering in my ears. Yes, if his grandma could do that why not he? Do we as parents preach something and do something else?

Are the routines set in school serving the purpose behind it?

I was the class teacher of class IX then and was also handling classes VI, VII, VIII and X. The routine in the school was that all the students have to write two new words per day and need to submit their new word note before they enter the class every morning. Students who don’t do so will be sent to the principal’s office and punished. Every morning lots of students used to be a defaulter and stand in front of the Principal’s office.

I was sure that the intention behind such routine was very good and to help the students develop their vocabulary. But the process and the action taken did not achieve the goal behind such a routine. Children came in the morning and copied a set a words from their friends hurriedly with spelling errors and poor handwriting. A couple of children used to copy the words that they had written ten fifteen days back. So it was all done without any meaning and learning. It bothered me very much. A task is done, but without any kind of benefit to the one who does it nor for the one who checks if it is done except for the notebooks getting filled and the diary checker in the school reports, “80 % students submit their new word notebooks on time”. The management and the parents felt happy that their children do learn some new words daily. This made me uncomfortable. I spoke to a couple of my colleagues about this, but everyone said that they had tried convincing students about this, but no great impact.

I thought about this for a couple of days and started with one class first. I got a new word note for myself and wrote two new words and their meaning. After I completed my usual attendance check, I wrote the two new words on the blackboard and told my students, “These are two new words that I came across this morning while I read newspaper this morning. I did not know the meaning of the words. So I found the meaning from the dictionary. Today I am going to use these words while I converse in a suitable context. Would someone like to share the new words you had learnt today?” The whole class remained silent. I continued, “Everyone of you have submitted your new word notebook today, but none of you seem to remember”. Silence again. “Ok, tomorrow onwards let us all write the new words that we come across while we read textbooks, story books or some posters on the road and find their meaning. Let us all share our findings and learn together. How many of you are ready for that?” Every one except one student raised their hand in approval. That one student got up and said, “Ma’am, if I come across only one new word what do I do?” I said, “Valid. In that case write only one word. But let us all make a habit that we will read our storybook/ textbook/ something else for a minimum of 20 mins everyday”. The class agreed and we started it from the next day onwards.

We used to randomly choose students who will contribute for the ‘word pool’ and those students had to share their learning with the context. All of us learnt a total of ten words per day. We did this and our ‘word pool’ became stronger and stronger day by day. We had instances where students at time used to say that they did not come across any new word, but still we went ahead. Days went on and parents of my class came with interesting anecdotes explaining their child’s interest in learning new words and reading boards while they go on the road. They expressed their happiness about it. No longer I had my students who considered new word as a burden, but as a power to their ‘word pool’. We loved that activity and called it ‘word pool’ then onwards. Even now, after seven years I have my students of that class whom I meet in a market place and they talk about ‘word pool’.

Are we doing something to our kids that we don’t want others to do to us?

A sunny day and it was a Sunday. My nephew, 7 years old had come home to enjoy his holiday. He is very hyper, active and was playing around as usual. He was playing online games. There came his mother and told “Hey come here. I have asked you not to play online games for more than half an hour. Come”. My nephew did not respond and continued playing. His mom shouted, “I have told you to stop this. Come out”. Saying this she slapped the kid. The kid with tears and a loud cry came running out of the room. He sat near the staircase and kept crying. His mom went ahead with her domestic chores. There came the child’s uncle. He went near the child and the child was waiting to seek his love. He hugged him and said, “See. Mom bet me” and cried loudly. The uncle with all his good intentions said, “See. You should not cry. Mom is always right. Come on. Wipe your tears and smile. Smile, I say”. Telling this he wiped the tears of the child and asked him to smile for which the kid responded with great difficulty. The uncle moved away with the satisfaction that he had attended to the kid’s call.


I was watching all this. I was puzzled again with the question, “Are we catering to the child’s needs?” or “Are we at least aware of what the child needs?”



I was just wondering what if the same thing happens to us, when we are sad and someone walks to us, wipes our tears and asks us to smile without even acknowledging our emotions. How would we respond?


Are we doing something to our kids that we don’t want others to do to us?

Are we talking to our kids the way they want us to?

It was a rainy day and my cousin's kids (two in number)were playing some indoor games at my house. Me and my mom were sleeping in living room while the kids were playing in bedroom. I woke up suddenly and walked to the bedroom to see what those kids were up to? As soon as I opened the bedroom door, the first kid hid something behind her. I understood that she had applied lipstick to her lips. I just gave her a smile and said "Hey, you look different! what's special". The kid said "Nothing, I am the same" and appeared to be busy playing with the other. I asked her"Did you apply lipstick?" for which she said "No". I just came out of the room and continued with my work.

After sometime, when the kids came to the living room, I initiated a conversation and purposefully discussed about my childhood days. During  my conversation, I spoke about my childhood naughty behaviours and how I used to hide them from elders. I didn't know what stuck the kid. The kid said "I am sorry. I applied lipstick and tried to hide it only because you might scold me like my mom".

I was so surprised. The kid continued, "I want to explore a couple of things for myself and my parents don't allow. So I do them without their knowledge and lie to them if asked. I am sacred because they scold if I do something which they don't want me to do. I am bored of too many do's and don'ts told by my parents". 

This incident is something that parents need to ponder about. A few questions that might kindle our thoughts:

Are we aware that kids are not machines to be automated, but individuals who needs to learn with little guidance?

Do we get what we want by expressing our anger or by throwing tantruums on our kids?

Do we realise the energy that we waste on being aggressive with our kids is more than the positive approach that is needed to deal with kids?